Some great quotes by comedians –


“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery


“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe
clippers right here.'”
–Jerry Seinfeld


“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.”
–Rita Rudner


“I was such an ugly kid – When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up”
–Rodney Dangerfield


“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population.”
–David Letterman


“I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke
up this morning and the pillow was gone.”
–Tommy Cooper


“My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course
he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.”
–Eric Morcambe


“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
–Steve Wright


“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t
cold enough. Let’s go west.'”
–Richard Jeni


3 thoughts on “Some great quotes by comedians –

  1. Bryan says:

    These are hilarious! I love the cat and toast one. I might just have to try that one. I’ll post pictures soon. 🙂

  2. Matt says:

    Thanks Bryan, look forward to seeing those photos!
    I put my bets on the toast, it badly explains why there always seems
    to be a cat hair in the butter when you pick it up off the floor,
    and I don’t even have a cat. There has to be a stray connection

  3. nectarfizz says:

    My two favorite men in all the world!!!! Hey guys!

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